How Can I Help My Child with Anxiety? Part 4: Overcome Fears
Part 4 – Support Your Child to Overcome their Fears
It can be so heartbreaking to see a child who’s really struggling with anxiety. Particularly when it’s preventing them from doing something they really want to do or from saying something they really want to say. Unfortunately anxiety is a part of life and something we all have to learn to control and manage if we are to overcome our fears and achieve our goals.
When a child feels anxious sometimes their parents, carers or even teachers feel the need to step in. By helping the child to avoid the things they’re afraid of we can feel that we are somehow protecting them. Despite the good intentions the opposite can occur and this avoidance strategy actually oftentimes feeds the anxiety. The message given is that they can’t cope and they can’t manage, so it’s better that they don’t face that situation at all.
What to do:
Of course we shouldn’t throw children in to situations where they feel overwhelmed. But we should support them to identify and overcome their fears in order to build their resilience.
We first need to understand the different zones where children learn and grow and encourage them to step out of their Comfort Zone. We all know the Comfort Zone and it’s exactly that, a familiar and comfortable place where we know what we’re doing. There’s no doubts, fears or anxieties but there are also no challenges. For children in particular there’s no space to grow and learn or opportunities to build their resilience.
The next is what we call the Stretch Zone. This is where children do a little bit more than they’re comfortable with but it’s within their level of tolerance. So they’re not overwhelmed by the experience but are learning to deal with challenges and overcome fears. It’s the perfect learning sweet spot.
Beyond this there’s the Stress Zone. This is where children are overwhelmed and the experience is too much.
It’s our role as parents, educators and professionals to tune into children to see where they’re at. We need to find ways to stretch them without overwhelming them and inadvertently pushing them into the Stress Zone. The best way to do this is to encourage children to stretch themselves by breaking down a challenge, task or problem into very small incremental steps. Then you can introduce these steps very, very gently. Over time and with your support you will see the child’s confidence growing along with their resilience.
An Example:
Let me give you an example. Our young daughter went through a phase of not wanting to use the hand dryers in public bathrooms. She had gotten a big fright when one came on unexpectedly. There were lots for her to worry about, not just the noise. It was the way they could come on very suddenly and also not knowing how long all this noise was going to last. So it got to a point where if she saw one in a bathroom she didn’t want to go inside because she was afraid the dryer was going to go off.
On the face of it this may seem like a small thing but actually this was becoming a real problem for her and for us. So we had to work on this problem with her over a number of weeks. We knew where there was a fairly quiet hand dryer and so we started very gently. She first used it for a couple of seconds. Then while I was under it she would dip her hand under for a few seconds more. We gradually built up her exposure to the point where after a while she didn’t even notice the noise and didn’t even look to see if there was one in the bathroom.
That’s a very simple example of how we can stretch children and help them overcome a fearful situation. We don’t serve children well by keeping them in their comfort zone and avoiding anxieties or fears. Our role is to support them to overcome their fears so that they’re not prevented from doing the things they want to do. And from just carrying out basic life chores like going to a public bathroom! So rather than avoiding a situation remember the learning zones. Support children to stretch themselves and help them overcome their anxieties in small incremental steps. It will reduce their anxiety, build their self-confidence and develop long lasting resilience,
